His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
