I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
