She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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