I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
