The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
