he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
