In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
