After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
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Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
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It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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