I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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