Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
