Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
