i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
