can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
