he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
