Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
