Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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