A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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