the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
