I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
