dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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