I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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