just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
