So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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