I can't watch pbs sober anymore
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
