You made me cry and you don't even care
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
