so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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