when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
