The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
