Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize