my being single is dangerous.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
