I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
