Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How does one acquire holy water?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Sex in the backyard? Check.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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