I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
