i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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