Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
