he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
