You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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