remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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