I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
