He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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