connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
