Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
