My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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