my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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