this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Randomize
