so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
