My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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