At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
