I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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