my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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