He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
