I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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