A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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