I will die if light touches me.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
