I am midnight drunk by noon
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
